February 2010
10 posts
6 tags
American Idle!
Judging from the last two nights of American Idol, America is running out of young, attractive, talented singers. It’s another natural resource our country has abused. And it has to stop. If American Idol keeps squandering our nation’s next pop stars, we won’t have any left.
We will have to turn to other countries and mine them for their diamonds in the rough. We’ll...
I Just Got My Chimney Swept! And That's Not a...
When I think of Chimney Sweeps, I think of Dick Van Dyke in “Mary Poppins”. And when I think of Dick Van Dyke, I think of how awesome his name is and then I wonder if he was teased a lot as a kid. Because I would have teased him. A lot.
Anyway.
Last week, when I got a call from “Chim Chim Cheree Chimney Sweepers,” I thought it was a prank call. That, or I had...
Stab Me in the Eye! It's Tax Time!
I am an incurably positive person… except when I have to do my taxes. Which is now. Which is why I feel like a troll with a fucked up face and an assy attitude. This is a portrait I took earlier today:
Yes, I’m smiling, but you can see the pain behind my eyes. Clearly I’m depressed, I left my nightgown on all day. And I didn’t bother to part my hair. ...
7 tags
Superlatives Are the Best!
Ever since I was as small as the world’s smallest man, I have been obsessed with the “Guinness Book of World Records.” When I was a kid, I would buy the soft cover version, thick as a dictionary, spotted with black and white pictures of the biggests and smallests and fastests and fattiests. I would marvel at the sheer freakiness of the dude with the toenails so long they...
5 tags
Shareturday!
In my never ending quest to procreate a new word using the egg and sperm of two other words, I present my new born word baby: Shareturday. Not to be confused with Cherturday, which is the day we’re all supposed to throw turds at Cher, which is an awful day that I refuse to take part in.
On today’s very first Shareturday I am going to tell you all about the things that have excited...
7 tags
The Olympics Made Me Do It!
I watch the Olympics as if I have been following Men’s Biathlon and Women’s Super Combined for my whole life. And sure, it’s fun to imagine that, as a child growing up in Brooklyn, I begged my parents to get me a pair of skis and a pellet gun so I could start training in the ellusive sport of Biathlon. But, I didn’t have posters of famous Biathloners or super foxy Super...
